Thursday, June 30, 2011

Talking To Myself...

I haven't been happy there for quite some time. I wasn't happy when I left, and was even less happy when I returned. Am I grateful for it? Absolutely. I would never take my blessings for granted. Here's what I'm struggling with though. I believe with all my heart that God is leading me towards something so great that the depths of my imagination couldn't even begin to fathom. I really believe this. So, on one hand, I feel that I'm being held back from where I'm supposed to be...and on the other...I know I'm still there for a reason. Or, maybe the reason I'm still there is because I'm afraid to let go of what's familiar.

I thought that taking on something new would refresh me somehow and take away from the stale repetitiveness that I've been experiencing for years. In a sense, it's a better situation..but at the same time, it's starting to feel as if it may actually be worse. It's more money but, the reality is, money isn't everything especially if you're miserable in the process of making it.

There are days when I feel like not showing up at all or even worse, show up and simply acting as if I'm not there. I've been repeating to myself for what seems to be an eternity that there has got to be something better than this. The truth is, there is and I'm doing it right now. Writing is my passion and my future lies within my words. This is a part of my purpose. I don't know the exact magnitude of what impact I will have but I know that I can feel something building inside of me. I can feel my potential growing from the fact that my mind has started to wander more than usual and my thoughts are getting deeper. It's almost as if at times I black out while I'm writing because when I go back and read it, I'm amazed to the point that I question whether it was I that wrote it or not.

I know that I should and am supposed to step out on faith and believe me, I want to but in the meantime while things are being built in my new existence, things still need to be taken care of in my current one. It's not a good position to be in. The conflict is great, and the solution is not so simple.

I'm praying for and seeking direction. I'm holding on to the promise. I'm standing unshaken..patiently while all of the answers unfold before me. But until then...I'm torn between something I love to do (minus the people that make it more stressful than it's supposed to be) and something I feel I was meant to do. Ahh yes, the decisions of life.

God Bless You.

-Don Savant