Tuesday, May 19, 2015

But I Have To

There have been many times in my life where I've felt that I had no direction, no love and no support. I can go for days on end wondering who I am and asking why I'm here.  What is my purpose?  I've heard all my life that we are all here for a specific reason.  


Have you ever stopped to realize how powerfully infinite that word is?


That simple one worded, one syllable, three-letter question can serve as a rebuttal to every statement and every question ever asked.  


Tell a child something and you'll be confronted with WHY?...over and over again until they are satisfied with what you've told them.  When they reach that point of satisfaction, they move on to the next thing.


All my life I've asked that question as it pertains to my life.  Why is life so hard?  Why can't I get ahead?   Why don't I have this or that?  Why....whatever?  There have been many times when I wanted to give up because I just didn't know who I was or why I was here.  

There have been several times in my life when God has sent people into my path that conforted me and that have pointed things out to me that my woeful whys wouldn't let me see.  Some of those people are the reason I signed my first book contract.  

Looking back on that day, I can remember being extremely excited.  That excited lasted for at least two years as I signed another contract the following year.  I began to realize that no one really knew me.  I realize that a lot of the congratulations I received was just that and nothing more.  There was no real support. Not from friends, not from family.  Don't get my wrong, I absolutely appreciate every single person that has purchased one of my books.  The point I'm making is, there was more "happy for you" sentiment than there was action behind it.  That made the whys come back.  


There came a point where I realized that y love for writing was greater than my desire to be compensated for it.  My thought process and my focus shifted.  I decided that I was going to write no matter what, whether people made the purchase or not.  

Years later, here I am on the verge of releasing my 9th poetry collection.  Just typing that just now excites me because I have such a great passion for what I do.  People ask all the time, if I do spoken word and the answer is no.  Why?  Because even though I've been given the opportunity to do so, the timing hasn't yet matched that opportunity.  I don't quite feel that right now is when I' supposed to do that, if I'm supposed to do it at all.  Time will surely tell.

We do things in life for many reasons.  A lot of us do things because we can.  Some do them because we want to and others do things because they have to.  It's always a choice.  


Back on my 19th birthday, I discovered I was diabetic and was bordeline for high blood pressure.  At first it changed my life, but then I fell back into my old habits because I didn't think those things were affecting me.  

In 2012, less than a month after my 37th birthday I was hospitalized with congestive heart failure.  Of course, with such a diagnosis comes severe depression.  Through the hospital stay, through the recovery and through the complete lifestyle change, I continued to write.  I continued to share my life and my experiences through poetry.  

Recently, I've started back listening to motivational speakers.  One in particular and undoubtedly my favorite is Eric Thomas.  Something he says has stuck with me and it's one of the reasons I chose to write this is when he says that you have to find your why.  

I've thought this thing through many times in many ways and it's encouraged me.  I've always asked why as it connects to the negative things in my life.  But until I heard Mr. Thomas say it, I never knew that it could also connect the dots of my life in positive ways.  

My why is my life, it's my family, it's God, and it's my writing.  Those are the reasons I am here.  I ove and appreciate my life.  My life has not been perfect in any way but laying in a hospital bed on the verge of losing it has a way of making you appreciate it.  My family is everything to me.  From those that I see almost daily to the ones I haven't seen in years, I love my family with all that is in me.  God is absolutely the head of my life and it's because of Him that I have the gift and talent that I possess.  It's because of Him that I still breathe.  Writing has been my outlet, it's been my saving grace and the reason I feel I'm still sane though everything I've been through.  To be able to share it with others, having it relate to them and to have them be blessed by the words I share is a blessing.  

I have found my why...and now my I can, and my I will are both now my I Have To because my why is greater than all else in my life.  

"When you find your why, you find your reason for living".  -Eric Thomas

Ladies and gentlem, that is purpose.